"Am I The Only One (Whose Ever Felt This Way)" by The Dixie Chicks
There Is No Good Reason I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like A Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
A Heart That's Worn And Weathered Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake
There Is A Wound Inside Me And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead But Hope Is Not Enough
And Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam was my last boyfriend. He was the last guy that I went out on an "official" date with. He was the last guy that I kissed. We dated for 3 months. We broke up in July of 2002.
Finding "suitable suitors" in Tennessee has been REALLY hard for me. Luckily, I've been relatively OK with not dating although there has been a guy here or there that I've had a crush on. But now I think I am over the single thing. Like, "I wanna crawl out of my own skin" over the single thing. When you go to a romantic comedy and your reaction at the end of the movie is depression and not joy, something isn't right!
It dawned on me the other day that it has been 5 and a half years since I've been on a date and frankly, that is not acceptable. So how does one get back into the dating scene when they feel like the guy they are looking for isn't gonna be in any of the places you'd think to look?
I've tried speed dating. B-U-S-T. I almost got involved with a co-worker. B-U-S-T. (Thank God.) I've tried online dating. B-U-S-T. I tried going to clubs downtown (which I hate to do). B-U-S-T.
So what else is left? Where do I go from here?
As confident as I am in myself, my self-worth SUCKS. Since I was about 12 years old, I've battled with an overwhelming sense of never being good enough brought on mainly by my step-father and partially because I was a chubby girl growing up in Southern California where body and beauty are everything. I've felt unworthy of the things that I honestly do deserve. I've felt like I am not as "good as I should be" for the things that I want out of life and a partner. I've let the fear of rejection run my life because every time I don't get the guy I want, I take it as further evidence that I am in fact not good enough for the things that I want. (Which of course perpetuates the cycle.)
But I'm starting to feel like the scales of rejection and acceptance are leaning towards the opposite side. I'm starting to feel like the Stewart Smalley in me is poking his head out saying, "I'm good enough...I'm smart enough...and dog gone it, people like me". Maybe I have become so tired of being alone (no Al Green pun intended) that I am willing to let my fear of rejection slide down a bit. Mind you, it's still there...but maybe I don't really care as much anymore.
So help me out, people. Where does a girl such as myself go to find a suitable guy to date? (And don't say OC because those boys are too a-sexual to be able to handle me.) Someone please guide me in the right direction because I am SO TIRED OF BEING SINGLE!!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
My frustration with the extreme
I’ve been fortunate enough to be a girl whose Mom is also her best friend. And by that I mean, she knows me SO well that she can predict how I am going to react to something before I do it.
A perfect example of this is a situation that happened back in 1998. I was roughly 19 or 20 years old and my Mom and I had gone to Horton Plaza, an outdoor mall in downtown San Diego. We were leaving the city and came to a stop at a red light about 5 blocks from the freeway. As we were stopped at the light, a group of Pro-Life protesters came walking across the cross walk with their giant over sized posters of a mutilated and deformed baby that was about 9 months old. I was absolutely appalled. Not only was their poster factually inaccurate, but the fact that they were exposing innocent people and children to these images made my blood boil. My first instinct was to grab for the handle, jump out of the car and tell those people that they were a disgrace to their cause. But before I even moved my arm an inch, my mom hit the LOCK button on her door and just sat there. She knew what I was about to do and was telling me, “I know…I know…it is horrible and those people disgust me but stay in the car.”
Before anyone reads this blog any further, know right now that this is not about anyone’s opinion on Abortion. I am personally Pro-Choice (with limitations based on circumstance and situation…I don’t think it should be a baby killing free for all) but I completely respect the opinion of anyone who is Pro-Life…excluding people who have not looked at the facts and extremists such as the protesters I ran across.
I have been listening to P.O.T.U.S. ’08 on XM all morning and after they covered the debate from last night they went live to coverage of a “Right to Life” demonstration that is about to take place this morning due to the anniversary of Roe Vs. Wade. I was completely fine with this “Right to Life” event until I heard something so disturbing that I was ready to reach for the handle and jump out of the car again. Apparently, several Christian schools have been busing in children for this rally. That’s right…I said children. CHILDREN. Then the reporter proceeds to mention that he has seen more than enough signs of dead, mutilated, and deformed fully grown babies on giant rally signs. Not only is it bad enough that these signs exist and are at this event, but these people had the nerve to walk with them held high and proud right past these innocent children who were coming off of the buses.
As I listen to the radio, I am sitting here in utter and complete disgust. I know I am a Liberal and I know I am Pro-Choice, but can anyone else see the MAJOR problems that I have with this?
1. Children have NO place in ANY political venue. PERIOD. First of all, they are ENTIRELY too young to grasp such adult concepts and it is incredibly irresponsible for the adults in their life to force such serious and heavy issues on them. Second of all, children should be brought up to make good decisions while still having the right to form their own opinions. I don’t know who I’d be today if one of my parents would’ve forced their opinions down my throat. And that is something I am thankful for.
2. The fact that anyone would be willing to subject children to the over exaggerated view points of extremists is appalling. I am not a parent but I would like to think that I would NEVER subject any child to a picture of a decaying dead baby. That is wrong on so many levels.
3. I can’t comprehend how anyone can call themselves a Christian and be involved with bringing children into this type of event. In what part of the bible does it say, “Expose your children to anger and images of horror so that you can further your own agenda”? Disgusting. Can these people not understand how hypocritical it is of them to live by a “What Would Jesus Do?” set of “values” yet encourage their children to be exposed to this?
4. Who are the parents that signed off on the field trip slip to allow their children to attend such an event? Although my Mom was quite “loose” with what I was allowed to attend, I highly doubt she would think it was OK for me to attend a political and highly controversial event such as this as a child. She would rather pull me out of that school for them even asking if it was OK.
OK…I am done venting now. But for the sake of those children, I pray that being surrounded by such hostility, noise, and graphic images will not scar them. I pray that it doesn’t make them become just like the parents and adults in their life that have pushed their well being aside in order to prove a point or further their own agenda.
A perfect example of this is a situation that happened back in 1998. I was roughly 19 or 20 years old and my Mom and I had gone to Horton Plaza, an outdoor mall in downtown San Diego. We were leaving the city and came to a stop at a red light about 5 blocks from the freeway. As we were stopped at the light, a group of Pro-Life protesters came walking across the cross walk with their giant over sized posters of a mutilated and deformed baby that was about 9 months old. I was absolutely appalled. Not only was their poster factually inaccurate, but the fact that they were exposing innocent people and children to these images made my blood boil. My first instinct was to grab for the handle, jump out of the car and tell those people that they were a disgrace to their cause. But before I even moved my arm an inch, my mom hit the LOCK button on her door and just sat there. She knew what I was about to do and was telling me, “I know…I know…it is horrible and those people disgust me but stay in the car.”
Before anyone reads this blog any further, know right now that this is not about anyone’s opinion on Abortion. I am personally Pro-Choice (with limitations based on circumstance and situation…I don’t think it should be a baby killing free for all) but I completely respect the opinion of anyone who is Pro-Life…excluding people who have not looked at the facts and extremists such as the protesters I ran across.
I have been listening to P.O.T.U.S. ’08 on XM all morning and after they covered the debate from last night they went live to coverage of a “Right to Life” demonstration that is about to take place this morning due to the anniversary of Roe Vs. Wade. I was completely fine with this “Right to Life” event until I heard something so disturbing that I was ready to reach for the handle and jump out of the car again. Apparently, several Christian schools have been busing in children for this rally. That’s right…I said children. CHILDREN. Then the reporter proceeds to mention that he has seen more than enough signs of dead, mutilated, and deformed fully grown babies on giant rally signs. Not only is it bad enough that these signs exist and are at this event, but these people had the nerve to walk with them held high and proud right past these innocent children who were coming off of the buses.
As I listen to the radio, I am sitting here in utter and complete disgust. I know I am a Liberal and I know I am Pro-Choice, but can anyone else see the MAJOR problems that I have with this?
1. Children have NO place in ANY political venue. PERIOD. First of all, they are ENTIRELY too young to grasp such adult concepts and it is incredibly irresponsible for the adults in their life to force such serious and heavy issues on them. Second of all, children should be brought up to make good decisions while still having the right to form their own opinions. I don’t know who I’d be today if one of my parents would’ve forced their opinions down my throat. And that is something I am thankful for.
2. The fact that anyone would be willing to subject children to the over exaggerated view points of extremists is appalling. I am not a parent but I would like to think that I would NEVER subject any child to a picture of a decaying dead baby. That is wrong on so many levels.
3. I can’t comprehend how anyone can call themselves a Christian and be involved with bringing children into this type of event. In what part of the bible does it say, “Expose your children to anger and images of horror so that you can further your own agenda”? Disgusting. Can these people not understand how hypocritical it is of them to live by a “What Would Jesus Do?” set of “values” yet encourage their children to be exposed to this?
4. Who are the parents that signed off on the field trip slip to allow their children to attend such an event? Although my Mom was quite “loose” with what I was allowed to attend, I highly doubt she would think it was OK for me to attend a political and highly controversial event such as this as a child. She would rather pull me out of that school for them even asking if it was OK.
OK…I am done venting now. But for the sake of those children, I pray that being surrounded by such hostility, noise, and graphic images will not scar them. I pray that it doesn’t make them become just like the parents and adults in their life that have pushed their well being aside in order to prove a point or further their own agenda.
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