Apologies, Christianity, and Homosexuality

In light of my recent incessant shares on Facebook in regards to my support of marriage equality for all American citizens, I would like to do two things...

1. Apologize.
2. Explain.


1. It was never my intention to offend anyone with my posts. Although I did share the pictures or updates from others, I do not personally 'Like' all of the profiles that the pictures or updates came from. The only thing I am sharing is that one specific comment, viewpoint, or joke...I am not sharing the profile.

While I do apologize for my lack of specificity about WHY I share certain things that might be considered offensive in a turbulent time such as this week, I do not apologize for my firm belief in marriage equality. Or for my sense of humor, for that matter.

Since Facebook is a public forum that allows me to share my thoughts and feelings with others, I have utilized it this past week in support of something I am passionate about. I do not use it as a forum for my personal beliefs that often and the people who have expressed to me that they were offended by some of my shares are people that know who I am and where I stand in my beliefs outside of Facebook.

Although these same people that have approached me about being offended have posted their own updates and shares over time that I find personally offensive, I don't feel that they owe it to me to explain themselves or to apologize to me. I also don't find it necessary to let them know that they have offended me by posting on their own personal page nor do I think of them or treat them differently when we next meet. I know who they are, I know how they love, and I know where they stand. Offensive postings or not, I know them well enough to know that is not 100% of who they are...it's just an exaggerated take on one of their beliefs.

I am a firm believer that we all are who we are and believe what we believe for different reasons that are specific and unique to each of us individually. Although I may not agree with someone, I know they have their reasons and I would rather understand why they feel that way instead of trying to convince them that they are wrong. I always strive to make someone else understand why I have the opinion I do in an attempt to provoke thought. I would like to think that in a perfect world, we could all be like that but sadly, this is not a perfect world.

One of my Facebook friends posted this yesterday as their profile picture without any explanation as to why they feel that a legal marriage contract is strictly for a man and a woman.

While I find this highly offensive simply due to it mocking the image that supports legalization of equal human rights, I do not have a desire to contact this person to let them know that I now think less of them based on their lack of tact. If we were ever to enter an open dialogue about the marriage equality issue, I would calmly bring up the fact that I did feel offended by this and that in my opinion, it made them come across as bigoted and unfeeling...whether they are or not. I would then continue the open dialogue by explaining why I feel it came across that way instead of as support of conservative Christian values. I would encourage this person to explain why they feel the way they feel in an effort to understand their choice to post this.

This person has every right to post a picture that opposes my view point. I see how it is not fair to think poorly of them simply because they posted this as a statement of what they believe in. But I most certainly do not agree with the way they chose to support traditional marriage and do not feel I am owed an apology for what I consider to be a lack of tact and good judgement.

As I always say, the first amendment gives everyone the right to say what they really think and feel. But everyone must always remember that when you open your mouth, everyone else reserves the right to think you're an asshole for what comes out of it. Me included.

So again, I apologize to those people that felt inundated with my postings or who were too sensitive to this issue to see what I really meant by them. That was not my intention.


2. As many of my closest friends know, even after searching tirelessly for my place in the religious world, I still consider myself to be a non-Christian. Not because I don't believe in Jesus or his teachings. Not because I don't believe in God. Not because I choose to live a life filled with sin instead. But because I am doing just that...searching. I am not ready to be baptized or to turn over my heart to Jesus because frankly, I don't really understand what any of that truly means.

I was not raised with religion, church, or the Bible. I grew up thinking that Easter was about eggs and chocolate and Christmas was about gifts and family. Jesus being born and rising from the dead were not even in my realm of understanding.

When I moved to the south, I made friends with people who WERE raised in a Christian environment. And these were (and still are) REALLY good people! So I started to seek my place in religion. Was it for me? The only way I could find out was by learning as much as I could about Christianity, the Bible, and Jesus. I occasionally attended church, I helped raise money for mission trips, I joined a life group, I asked questions of people that were raised Christian.

After spending the past 9 years of my adult life researching and asking and debating, I feel that while I am certainly no scholar, I have a REALLY firm grasp on what it means not to just be a Christian, but to be a follower of Jesus....

It means to live your life by his example knowing that you are never going to be perfect and that's OK. 

My grasp is so firm on this that I have a very hard time trying to comprehend how others could be fully immersed in Christianity their whole lives and not understand the same meaning that I have come to learn.

While my basic level of understanding of who Jesus was, what he was about, and what he expected of us does not have any bearing on my political view points, it does play a huge part in why I don't understand anyone's opposition to equal marriage rights for all American citizens. At the end of the day, legalizing gay marriage is not about what is right or wrong in the eyes of God's law but about what is right or wrong in the eyes of MAN'S law.

In all of the studying, question asking, and Googling I have done, I have yet to find a passage of scripture that states a government of men are required to force their citizens to live by God's laws. As a matter of fact, what I HAVE learned is that you can lead a man to Jesus but you can't make him hand over his heart to him. That is where faith comes into play, not force.

So if your viewpoint is that a gay man or lesbian woman is not Christian because of their sexuality and therefore should be forced into following God's laws, then you are not living as Jesus would. You are passing judgment on someone else's faith and you are forcing someone to live by a set of rules that only God can enforce. Not the US government.

The reason why I have an issue with people who choose to use their religious beliefs as reason to publicly oppose and vote against equal rights marriage laws is this......your argument makes it appear to me that you have not only missed SEVERAL key messages of the Bible but it also makes you appear to be hiding bigotry.

Now before you fly off the handle, let me explain why it makes you appear to be a bigot.

Taking a political stand against a law that would do you no harm by allowing same sex marriages appears to a liberal to be a cowards way of saying you want to punish people for being gay by not giving them the same civil right that you have.

The Bible says it is wrong to be gay so whether gay people can be married on a piece of paper or not, you still feel that it is a sin in the eyes of God, right? But to openly express that you disapprove of people that are gay comes across as being a hate crime, politically incorrect, or that you're a bully. And who wants that?

So what can you do instead? You can do everything in your power to hide behind your disapproval by focusing it instead solely on the legal aspect of the issue.

To use only one of the definitions of marriage and citing scripture as your reasoning for not wanting a law that does not effect you to pass leaves the door wide open for people to think you are hiding bigotry. Does that make it true? No. Does that make it a valid argument from the left? Absolutely.

To a liberal and/or non-Christian, another set of questions they might want an answer to is, "Why are you not as passionate about other things noted in the Bible as a sin such as adultery as you are about gays having the same civil rights that you have? Why do you spend time turning a blind eye to other sins while focusing your energy so intensely on this? What makes this a bigger sin than cheating on your wife?"   

Possible answers to this could be along the lines of, "It is not our place to judge people that commit adultery but to help them find redemption and salvation. If we stop gay marriage from happening, we are one step closer to saving them as well."

The follow up topics I encourage you to ask yourself are:

• Is it my job to save everyone?

• Will not allowing a gay person to be legally married stop them from being gay? 

• People still commit sins whether it is legal or not. Why have I not encouraged my government to outlaw those things, such as adultery, as well?

• Why do I feel it is my right to force someone to live their life a certain way when the Bible teaches us to love and not pass judgment on others because that is God's job? 

Equal marriage rights has always been a cause I am passionate about. Not because of a lack of Christianity in my life or because I knew someone growing up who was gay. I am passionate about it because it is the civil rights issue of our generation and civil rights have nothing to do with what God expects of us. The two are not dependent upon one another to exist.

To say that someone who is my equal in every other way is not allowed the same basic human right to legally commit to another consenting adult that they love is devastating to me. We live in a country that turns rich people's personal lives into entertainment, sex into a way to sell products, and binge drinking into a hilarious hobby but refuses to give the legal rights of a marital contract that I have to my equal. And that is just plain and simple screwed up.


I did not write this edition of my blog to spark debate or to poke the bear. I wrote it to make you understand why I stand where I stand. I wrote it to make you understand why I can't understand your passionate opposition to a basic human right. I wrote it to make you realize why people will try to call you hateful words for your viewpoint.

I don't wish to change your mind. I wish to encourage you to listen to other viewpoints, evaluate why marriage equality makes you so upset, and if stopping it has any REAL bearing on your life or the lives of the people that want it.

WWJD

- Jenn Brown
  Apprentice level Jesus follower   

Anyway by Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

I'm moving on

I'm an open book about most things. But there is one part of my life that only a few friends (and not even my mom) know about...my romantic relationships.

Throughout the years, I've not had much luck with the opposite sex. I've had crushes that went nowhere. I've had innocent "flings" that went nowhere. But I haven't really connected on that deep "holy shit!" level of chemistry with anyone except for two boys in particular. We shall call them 18 and 20...the ages I was when they wandered into my life.

Although I never actually dated 18 or 20 and I've had a HORRIBLE time staying in the kind of contact with either of them over the years that I've wanted, I think in the back of my mind I always thought they were my plan B. "Well, if I can't find someone out there that I connect with as much as them, then I can always pray that they are still single and want to give it a shot down the road." I think it has been an odd and admittedly unhealthy way to deal with dating in my 20's and now 30's. Because of 18 and 20, I've been a firm believer in knowing it when you see it. And I haven't seen it since them.

18
Over the years, I've had contact off and on with 18. It's always been more so on my end unless he is apparently bored and feeling up to chatting. We went through a phase where he was VERY into chatting and would spend hours on the phone with me. Then he'd drift away again. I've driven myself absolutely insane over the years watching his life go by in front of me via social networking. Being proud when he is successful, sad when he changes his status to "in a relationship", and then happy when it changes again to "single". (I know...totally uncool, right?)

I've tried over the years to hint to him that he was important to me but it never seemed to work out. Either he was dense or he was avoiding the conversation he knew I wanted to have with him. About a month ago, I was watching an episode of Bones about her regrets of letting fear rule her love life and I broke down. I bawled. It hit SO close to home with 18 that I made a drastic move. I typed an e-mail. YES. An e-mail. (Cue dramatic music.)

But this wasn't just any e-mail. This was a "take a leap of faith and pour your heart out" e-mail. As you can probably guess...this e-mail was addressed to 18. I typed and typed and typed and laid it all out on the line. I reread and edited and then added and took out more. After all, I didn't want to freak him out too much. I just wanted to get it all off my chest.

Those who know me well know that I can tend to be a little on the frank and honest side. Mix that with the past thirteen years of emotionally holding onto 18 and I can see how it might be a little bit on the intense side. But it all had to be said and I couldn't take another day of holding it in. It had to be said that I've always wanted to know what could've been. It had to be said that I subconsciously compare other men to him (which is both a blessing and a curse).

I told a friend that I had just sent the e-mail and her reaction was, "OMG! You've gotta be so nervous for his response!" But I really wasn't. I just felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Like all that "18 baggage" I'd been holding onto had just gotten quite a bit lighter.

I didn't check my e-mail every five minutes to see if he had responded either. I figured when I clicked send that I would be anxious until I got his response but I wasn't. Curious...but not anxious.

After a day or so, I sent him a message on Facebook letting him know that I had sent something to his private e-mail that was important to me and to please take a look at it. A month later, I still have not received a response via e-mail OR Facebook.

I have pulled up his profile twice now with my mouse on the DELETE FRIEND button but I just can't bring myself to do it. 18 has made it pretty obvious that the feeling wasn't mutual by not responding and to be honest, I'm shocked that he has not done so because he always had SUCH strong character. Maybe I was naive to think that time wouldn't change him. Or maybe I spent thirteen years living with memories of a false reality. At this point, I'm doubtful that I'll ever know and over time I think I'll be 100% OK with that. Right now I'm only at about 65%.

20
Now on the other hand, I've got 20. 20 was one of my best guy friends and we danced for roughly a year on the "will we or won't we" line. (We never did, by the way.) As disappointing as that was at times, at the end of the day...he was one of my best friends and I'll love him forever. BUT........he was still always in my subconscious as a plan B.

About a year after I moved to Nashville...which was roughly seven years ago, I lost contact with 20. He moved and for some reason changed his e-mail address. But did that stop me? HELL no. I tried EVERYTHING to find him over those past seven years. I paid $14.95 to a people finding service four different times to get his contact info and I mailed letters to each known address that they gave me. I mailed a letter to the Navy's service member finding department on two separate occasions requesting information on his current whereabouts. I've tried Myspace. I've tried Facebook. I've tried old phone numbers. I've tried everything. And the boy was nowhere to be found.

Now just to clear the air and defuse any suspicion that I am a crazy person, I did not go to these lengths because he was my subconscious plan B. I went to these lengths because I love 20's friendship and I missed it desperately. I'd go to the same lengths if any of my best female friends dropped off the face of the earth as well.

But alas, all that effort was for nothing. The Navy sent me letters saying they would pass on my info, the letters I mailed came back as "not at this address", and the phone numbers didn't work. Every 9 - 12 months I would get a bug up my ass again to find 20 and I would start at least one more attempt to find him again.

Cut to today. For some reason he popped into my head again. So I did my standard Facebook and/or Myspace search. Who knows. He could've gotten with the 21st century and joined the world of social networking, right? But there are a gazillion people with 20's common name so I stopped before I started.

And then it dawned on me. You have his relatives names from the people finding service. Look them up!

So I did. And I was successful.

I e-mailed two of his female relatives and right away one of them wrote me back. I had found 20.

My heart started racing and a lump got in my throat. Seven years of looking and the answer was in front of me the whole time...find his relatives and find him. I was SO excited.

Then this thought snuck into my head...what if he's married? I got a sinking feeling in my stomach and just knew it was going to be the truth. But I tried to ignore my gut and think positively. I could be about to be reunited with my friend AND he could be single. Ya know...plan B.

A few minutes later my gut was proven right. His relative let me know that 20 had gotten married only a few months ago.

A few months ago. A FEW MONTHS AGO. What shitty timing, right? I mean, seriously...I look for the boy for SEVEN YEARS and he gets married a mere few months before I find him? Is this a joke? Really...can someone please tell me what kind of cruel joke this is? Both 18 AND 20 have no longer become my plan B in only one month's time when I have been hanging onto them for roughly the past fifteen YEARS?! This is bullshit!

The knot was and is still in my throat as I type this out but for an entirely different reason now. I've lost the only good thing my subconscious had to cling onto. My relationship security blanket. Whether it was truth or fabrication to comfort me, it was gone. Now I have to face reality. There is no one to "fall back on". I'm out there on my own with almost half of my lifetime's worth of romanticized memories equaling a giant pile of crap.

So where do I go from here? I'll tell you exactly where I go from here.

Phase 1: I'm gonna be sad. Accept it, friends. Because this girl needs to grieve so that she can let go. I can't move forward without letting go. But it's gonna take some time. So just bear with me. Sometimes it's OK to be sad.

Phase 2: I'm gonna be OK. Even though my currently broken heart and tear stained shirt are trying to convince me that all hope is lost...my faith knows that this has all happened for a reason. I know in my gut that God thinks it's time for me to move on. I believe that he needed 18 to not respond and that he needed me to not find 20 until after he was married so that I would be forced to let go. Otherwise, I would've spent a lifetime clinging to "I wonder's" and "what if's".

So the moral of this story, kids, is that sometimes you can ask and hope and want answers but sometimes, no answer IS your answer. Something was trying to tell me over the past decade+ that I needed to let go but I didn't listen. I know it is counter-intuitive to the moral of this story but I'm glad I ignored that dead air not giving me my answers. Because had I not pushed to get my answers, I wouldn't be able to learn my lesson. I wouldn't be able to let go. I wouldn't be able to move on.

I know I don't always practice what I preach but I do know the lesson I'm trying to teach. And you can take that one to the bank.

18 and 20, if you're out there somewhere reading this, I wish you both nothing but the utmost joy and happiness that this life has to offer. You changed me as a person and you showed me that the guy I'm looking for does exist. Sadly, he just isn't either one of you.

In the words of Rascall Flatts, I'm moving on.

Please join me tonight (10/7) or donate!

Hey, everyone...

I just found out this morning about a fundraising/awareness walk for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

So of course, I will be walking for Craig. Don't feel obligated to donate and don't feel obligated to walk with me. But I would love some partners in crime for Team Craig the Crab!

Thanks, everyone.

- JB

To donate: http://pages.lightthenight.org/tn/MidTN10/CraigtheCrab

To join my team (Craig the Crab): http://www.lightthenight.org/tn/register/

Jenn's Top 25 Countdown

If it was possible to own stock in one particular channel on XM, I would get all of my money back and then some by investing in 80’s on 8.

I recently made a playlist entitled 80’s Favs for the gym which ended up being 250 songs long. I found myself skipping to the next song while busting tail on the elliptical in an attempt to find my favorite favs. After one workout session of that, I decided it was probably time to create a new playlist with my actual favorites that I can listen to over and over again.

I started making my NEW 80’s Favs playlist and thought, “Hey…most people loves 80’s music. I wonder what songs I’m missing in my library that I would love. I wonder if I love a song that someone has forgotten about.” Therefore, I present my new 80’s Favs playlist to you.

Getting it down to 25 songs was much easier than I thought it would be but putting them in order of volume of love was much more of a challenge than I expected. Some are catchy but some have stronger sentimental value. Some are fantastic but didn’t make the list because they aren’t easy to work out to. And so on.

So cruise through my list and tell me what your favorite 80’s songs are. Who knows…maybe some of them are the same!


25. We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off – Jermaine Stewart
24. Never – Moving Pictures
23. I’m Free (Heaven Helps the Man) – Kenny Loggins
22. Private Eyes – Hall & Oates
21. I Hate Myself for Loving You – Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
20. Material Girl – Madonna
19. Let’s Go Crazy – Prince
18. Safety Dance – Men Without Hats
17. Popsicle – New Kids on the Block
16. Under Pressure – Queen (featuring David Bowie)
15. Kyrie – Mr. Mister
14. Dancing in Heaven (Orbital Be-Bop) – Q-Feel
13. Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House
12. P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) – Michael Jackson
11. Age of Consent – New Order
10. Talking in Your Sleep – The Romantics
9. Love Shack – The B-52’s
8. Foolish Heart – Steve Perry
7. Cruel Summer – Bananarama
6. Ring Me Up – The Divinyls
5. Dead Man’s Party – Oingo Boingo
4. Everything She Wants – Wham!
3. Love Somebody – Rick Springfield
2. Time (Clock of the Heart) - Culture Club
1. Hold Me Now – Thompson Twins

Will it be? Yes, it will.

There are times in life when we desperately want a change. We want that change so bad and so deep down that we think we are ready for it. Most of the time, even though we think we are ready, we’re really not. A perfect example of this would be a basic change in some type of daily/weekly activity or habit…smoking, exercising, putting the clothes away instead of living out of the dryer, etc.

But then there are times in life when not only do we desperately want that change, but we feel it coming. Something is different. Something is off…but in a good way. Your mind set changes. The way you have lived your daily life has suddenly shot into another direction. Your priorities become different.

Up until now, that has only happened to me once before and that was 8 years ago. I moved to Nashville a year later.

About 4 months ago…I started to feel internally like something was different. This wasn’t just, “Oh I long to have things be different and here’s what I’m gonna do to make that happen” (and then not follow through of course). This was something bigger. And as the days have gone by since then, that feeling has only gotten stronger.

It sounds cheesy but I know (cosmically) that something life changing is headed my direction. I just feel it in my gut. What is the change that is headed my way? Not a clue. But it’s coming. And my guess is that it will be presenting itself very soon. I can promise you this, my life WILL be completely different by the end of 2010. This is my year. I can feel it from my head to my toes. And you can quote me on that.

So, DJ…cue my new theme song:



‘Something’s Coming’ (from the West Side Story soundtrack) by Jim Bryant:

Could be!
Who knows?
There's something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballing down through the sky,
Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!

Who knows?
It's only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there's a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something's coming, I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

With a click, with a shock,
Phone'll jingle, door'll knock,
Open the latch!
Something's coming, don't know when, but it's soon;
Catch the moon,
One-handed catch!

Around the corner,
Or whistling down the river,
Come on, deliver
To me!
Will it be? Yes, it will.
Maybe just by holding still,
It'll be there!

Come on, something, come on in, don't be shy,
Meet a guy,
Pull up a chair!
The air is humming,
And something great is coming!
Who knows?
It's only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Maybe tonight . . .

Beware of men named Brandon...for they are evil

It is my executive decision that men named Brandon bring me nothing but bad luck and heartache therefore they must be the fruits of the devil. So from this point forward, they are all dead to me.

Ever since I met Mr. "I promise to call everyday" (AKA Brandon), my week has been complete and total crap. I've been overloaded at work (which seems par for the course the week before you go on vacation), I've been short paid money that I needed to take with me on my trip, I've had the heartache of my boys losing in the first round (laugh if you must...but I felt like I was gonna ralph for at least two hours after the game), I've had to deal with boy drama, I have to go to the lady doctor tomorrow (ick), and now one of my roommates has given me ONE WEEKS NOTICE that she is moving out. ONE WEEK. Mind you, I AM GONE FOR THE NEXT WEEK.

How am I supposed to enjoy my week off when I know I have a crap ton of work waiting for me when I get back, not enough cash to spend while I'm there, AND that I need to start looking for a new roommate while I'm supposed to be recharging my batteries??

These turn of events lead me to one of two conclusions:

A) Brandon was a warlock and he has put a curse on me.

B) God is punishing me or he at the very least disapproves of my choices.

Since I'm inclined to believe that the second choice is completely unlikely (as much as it feels like the truth), I can only be left to assume that the first choice is the correct assessment of the situation.

So beware...keep your eyes open for those men named Brandon out there. I suggest arming yourself with a Saint Benedict medal, a bundle of Sage, or perhaps a gris gris bag. Those appear to be the most effective tools for warding off evil spirits.

I can usually smell bullshit from a mile away

Most of my friends already know this, but I'm very observant. Not only am I very aware of my surroundings, but I’m also very in tune with other people's behaviors and body language. I'm also probably well above average on the make believe scale of self awareness. I don't take most people at their word (men in particular…no offense, boys) until I've had time to observe them and figure out their tells. My gut guides me and 99% of the time, it’s right. I may not always be able to put my finger on what's not right right away...but I’ll know it's something and wait for it to come to me later. In other words, not only do I know myself VERY well, but I’m usually a better than average judge of character.

So you can understand my surprise and the resulting blow to my ego (and perhaps my self esteem) when I recently discovered that I have officially been "played" for the first time. Yes...that's right. I fell for it. Something in my gut told me not to trust so easily but for once I made a decision to ignore it and decided to go out on a limb. After all, I wasn't sure if it was fear of being vulnerable that was telling me not to trust or whether it was actually my gut saying, "Hi...I'm a red flag. Nice to meet you."

I let as much of my emotional and mental restraint go as possible and decided to say, "Balls to the wall! Let's see where this goes!" He talked a big game about all the things a girl like me wants to hear and I’ve learned from books like "He's Just Not That into You" and "Why Men Love Bitches" that any guy who talks like that is most likely full of crap. But I ignored that knowledge and thought, "Maybe this guy is the real deal. Maybe the reason your gut is kind of churning is because you've never met a guy like this before so you have nothing to base your trust issues and past observations off of." Oh how wrong I turned out to be.

After spending hours upon hours discussing our likes and dislikes, our individual plans for the future, what we want from a spouse, promises of wanting to stay in contact every day from him, what his family is like, all the “plans and ideas for the potential future” and ok...yeah...maybe after a little bit of some of that kissing stuff, I still wasn't FULLY sold on the guy. But I was hopeful that I was right to make myself vulnerable and that I’d be rewarded for that choice with a desire to officially buy what he was selling.

That was over 85 hours ago. And I've yet to hear from him once.

I woke up on Sunday morning knowing that I was never going to hear from him again. I’m not sure what it was but I just knew. I told a friend of mine who had met him too my thoughts on the situation and she said I was wrong because she got a good vibe from him. So I bet her $5 that I wouldn’t hear from Mr. “I promise to call every day” by the time I went to bed on Monday night. She said, “I’ll take that bet!” Monday night rolls around and nothing. I texted him on Tuesday afternoon with a funny little comment just to prove to myself that I was right and he wouldn’t respond. Low and behold…radio silence. (She ended up buying me a Woodchuck at Broadway Brewhouse Tuesday night as payment, by the way. I guess the plus side is that I still won something out of it, right?)

My point of this particular blant (that’s a blog + a rant…I’m trying it on for size) is two fold.

Part A) This weekend provided for me the first time in my life I’ve truly had a giant bundle of thoughts, emotions, and doubts all hitting me in the face (and more importantly in the heart) at the same time over a guy. Seriously…I’ve had angst before, I’ve had hope before, I’ve had doubt before, I’ve had anger before, I’ve had sadness before. But this is the first time I’ve had all of them (plus some other things mixed in there) all hit me at once and within a 4 day period. Part of me says, “Run away! Run awaaaay!” because dealing with this stuff is too painful. The other part of me says, “Whatever…he is a total scuzz bucket. Just take it as a learning experience and move on. You’ll find a guy worthy of you soon enough. Hang in there, champ!”

And that leaves me feeling completely confused and almost back to square one.

Part B) Listen up, men. Because this part is for you. Guys like him make things difficult for the well intentioned men like you out there. These men that give us this false sense of trust and feed us their lies and raise our hopes and then don’t call, they are the reason we blow you off the first few times you try to connect with us. Because we trusted someone who seemed honest and genuine and they were lying the whole time. Why should we believe that you are any different? Why should we open ourselves up to being vulnerable and truthful again when someone told us they valued that and then proved they didn’t by not following through with a stupid phone call or even a lame text message?

So men…I challenge you to stand up to these guys. I challenge you to call them out. I challenge you to hold them to a higher standard. These guys that behave like this, they are your friends. So nut up and tell them, “Dude…not cool.” That’s all it takes. A simple acknowledgement that what they did was not kosher. A woman’s emotions are the core of who she is and toying with that for the chance at a little friskiness later is not ok. Ruining our hour/day/week/month/year for your own pleasure seeking selfishness is not ok. If a girl is only in it for one thing too and the two parties acknowledge that, fine by me. Go at it. Have fun. No expectations…no strings. I get it. But when you lie and deceive someone for the prospect of your own satisfaction, that’s what we call morally and ethically (and even biblically) WRONG.

Good day to you, Mr. “I promise to call every day” guy. I SAID GOOD DAY!

Boys...I don't get um

Riddle me this, boys...why do you guys go so hot and cold in relationships? I object to the idea that "women are too confusing" and all the other random comments you guys make about how crazy we are and unreadable we are and on and on and on.

Trust me, guys...you are JUST as confusing as we are.

I'm just sayin'.

Merry Freakin' Christmas, ABC.

I HATE YOU, ABC!



I can live with them cancelling Pushing Daisies. I only watch it because Lee Pace is on it and he can do WAY better than Pushing Daisies. But cancelling Eli Stone!? That is a tragedy and they cannot be forgiven for it!! Bastards.

Why I love US Weekly

Whoever "Helmwright" is....you make me laugh.

New Careers and Jealousy

So I’ve been thinking. Since my 5 year Hawaii plan is back on, maybe I should start planning now for what type of career I might have when I get there. I could easily just try to find a job doing the same thing that I do now but I don’t know how easily I’d find one.

However, I’ve been toying with the idea of maybe going to University of Phoenix or some other random "I’m a college but not a real college" type of school to get some sort of degree in Hospitality/Hotel Managment. Maybe if I start working on that now, I can have a few years of experience under my belt. It would be much easier to find a job in management at a hotel in one of the countries largest tourism states than to try to find a job as an office manager, right?

My only concern is, what if I get this degree and I don’t move to Hawaii. It isn’t really my life’s goal to run a hotel. But then again, most of my life’s goals are slightly unattainable from a logical and practical stand point at this stage in my life.

So...any ideas? Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

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One of the worst feelings in the world is jealousy. Not only because it makes me feel unbecoming but it leaves me with a knot in my throat.

Part of me thinks that jealousy is a control issue for me. I wasn’t in control of how something turned out and someone else reaped the benefits of the reward of that outcome. But maybe I am reading too much in to it. Maybe jealousy is just that...jealousy. Seeing someone else with something that you want and can’t have.

So how does one get rid of those feelings? And why do we torture ourselves with constantly checking in on the people who have what we want and can’t have? I know I’m gonna feel like shit when I do it but I do it anyway. Am I trying to get it out of my system? Am I a masochist who just likes to feel pain?

Why do we torture ourselves? Why do *I* torture myself?

My sense of humor needs a break

"Am I The Only One (Whose Ever Felt This Way)" by The Dixie Chicks

There Is No Good Reason I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like A Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

A Heart That's Worn And Weathered Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break

I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake

There Is A Wound Inside Me And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead But Hope Is Not Enough
And Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam was my last boyfriend. He was the last guy that I went out on an "official" date with. He was the last guy that I kissed. We dated for 3 months. We broke up in July of 2002.

Finding "suitable suitors" in Tennessee has been REALLY hard for me. Luckily, I've been relatively OK with not dating although there has been a guy here or there that I've had a crush on. But now I think I am over the single thing. Like, "I wanna crawl out of my own skin" over the single thing. When you go to a romantic comedy and your reaction at the end of the movie is depression and not joy, something isn't right!

It dawned on me the other day that it has been 5 and a half years since I've been on a date and frankly, that is not acceptable. So how does one get back into the dating scene when they feel like the guy they are looking for isn't gonna be in any of the places you'd think to look?

I've tried speed dating. B-U-S-T. I almost got involved with a co-worker. B-U-S-T. (Thank God.) I've tried online dating. B-U-S-T. I tried going to clubs downtown (which I hate to do). B-U-S-T.

So what else is left? Where do I go from here?

As confident as I am in myself, my self-worth SUCKS. Since I was about 12 years old, I've battled with an overwhelming sense of never being good enough brought on mainly by my step-father and partially because I was a chubby girl growing up in Southern California where body and beauty are everything. I've felt unworthy of the things that I honestly do deserve. I've felt like I am not as "good as I should be" for the things that I want out of life and a partner. I've let the fear of rejection run my life because every time I don't get the guy I want, I take it as further evidence that I am in fact not good enough for the things that I want. (Which of course perpetuates the cycle.)

But I'm starting to feel like the scales of rejection and acceptance are leaning towards the opposite side. I'm starting to feel like the Stewart Smalley in me is poking his head out saying, "I'm good enough...I'm smart enough...and dog gone it, people like me". Maybe I have become so tired of being alone (no Al Green pun intended) that I am willing to let my fear of rejection slide down a bit. Mind you, it's still there...but maybe I don't really care as much anymore.

So help me out, people. Where does a girl such as myself go to find a suitable guy to date? (And don't say OC because those boys are too a-sexual to be able to handle me.) Someone please guide me in the right direction because I am SO TIRED OF BEING SINGLE!!

My frustration with the extreme

I’ve been fortunate enough to be a girl whose Mom is also her best friend. And by that I mean, she knows me SO well that she can predict how I am going to react to something before I do it.

A perfect example of this is a situation that happened back in 1998. I was roughly 19 or 20 years old and my Mom and I had gone to Horton Plaza, an outdoor mall in downtown San Diego. We were leaving the city and came to a stop at a red light about 5 blocks from the freeway. As we were stopped at the light, a group of Pro-Life protesters came walking across the cross walk with their giant over sized posters of a mutilated and deformed baby that was about 9 months old. I was absolutely appalled. Not only was their poster factually inaccurate, but the fact that they were exposing innocent people and children to these images made my blood boil. My first instinct was to grab for the handle, jump out of the car and tell those people that they were a disgrace to their cause. But before I even moved my arm an inch, my mom hit the LOCK button on her door and just sat there. She knew what I was about to do and was telling me, “I know…I know…it is horrible and those people disgust me but stay in the car.”

Before anyone reads this blog any further, know right now that this is not about anyone’s opinion on Abortion. I am personally Pro-Choice (with limitations based on circumstance and situation…I don’t think it should be a baby killing free for all) but I completely respect the opinion of anyone who is Pro-Life…excluding people who have not looked at the facts and extremists such as the protesters I ran across.

I have been listening to P.O.T.U.S. ’08 on XM all morning and after they covered the debate from last night they went live to coverage of a “Right to Life” demonstration that is about to take place this morning due to the anniversary of Roe Vs. Wade. I was completely fine with this “Right to Life” event until I heard something so disturbing that I was ready to reach for the handle and jump out of the car again. Apparently, several Christian schools have been busing in children for this rally. That’s right…I said children. CHILDREN. Then the reporter proceeds to mention that he has seen more than enough signs of dead, mutilated, and deformed fully grown babies on giant rally signs. Not only is it bad enough that these signs exist and are at this event, but these people had the nerve to walk with them held high and proud right past these innocent children who were coming off of the buses.

As I listen to the radio, I am sitting here in utter and complete disgust. I know I am a Liberal and I know I am Pro-Choice, but can anyone else see the MAJOR problems that I have with this?

1. Children have NO place in ANY political venue. PERIOD. First of all, they are ENTIRELY too young to grasp such adult concepts and it is incredibly irresponsible for the adults in their life to force such serious and heavy issues on them. Second of all, children should be brought up to make good decisions while still having the right to form their own opinions. I don’t know who I’d be today if one of my parents would’ve forced their opinions down my throat. And that is something I am thankful for.

2. The fact that anyone would be willing to subject children to the over exaggerated view points of extremists is appalling. I am not a parent but I would like to think that I would NEVER subject any child to a picture of a decaying dead baby. That is wrong on so many levels.

3. I can’t comprehend how anyone can call themselves a Christian and be involved with bringing children into this type of event. In what part of the bible does it say, “Expose your children to anger and images of horror so that you can further your own agenda”? Disgusting. Can these people not understand how hypocritical it is of them to live by a “What Would Jesus Do?” set of “values” yet encourage their children to be exposed to this?

4. Who are the parents that signed off on the field trip slip to allow their children to attend such an event? Although my Mom was quite “loose” with what I was allowed to attend, I highly doubt she would think it was OK for me to attend a political and highly controversial event such as this as a child. She would rather pull me out of that school for them even asking if it was OK.

OK…I am done venting now. But for the sake of those children, I pray that being surrounded by such hostility, noise, and graphic images will not scar them. I pray that it doesn’t make them become just like the parents and adults in their life that have pushed their well being aside in order to prove a point or further their own agenda.