My sense of humor needs a break

"Am I The Only One (Whose Ever Felt This Way)" by The Dixie Chicks

There Is No Good Reason I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like A Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

A Heart That's Worn And Weathered Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break

I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake

There Is A Wound Inside Me And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead But Hope Is Not Enough
And Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
God Help Me, Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

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Adam was my last boyfriend. He was the last guy that I went out on an "official" date with. He was the last guy that I kissed. We dated for 3 months. We broke up in July of 2002.

Finding "suitable suitors" in Tennessee has been REALLY hard for me. Luckily, I've been relatively OK with not dating although there has been a guy here or there that I've had a crush on. But now I think I am over the single thing. Like, "I wanna crawl out of my own skin" over the single thing. When you go to a romantic comedy and your reaction at the end of the movie is depression and not joy, something isn't right!

It dawned on me the other day that it has been 5 and a half years since I've been on a date and frankly, that is not acceptable. So how does one get back into the dating scene when they feel like the guy they are looking for isn't gonna be in any of the places you'd think to look?

I've tried speed dating. B-U-S-T. I almost got involved with a co-worker. B-U-S-T. (Thank God.) I've tried online dating. B-U-S-T. I tried going to clubs downtown (which I hate to do). B-U-S-T.

So what else is left? Where do I go from here?

As confident as I am in myself, my self-worth SUCKS. Since I was about 12 years old, I've battled with an overwhelming sense of never being good enough brought on mainly by my step-father and partially because I was a chubby girl growing up in Southern California where body and beauty are everything. I've felt unworthy of the things that I honestly do deserve. I've felt like I am not as "good as I should be" for the things that I want out of life and a partner. I've let the fear of rejection run my life because every time I don't get the guy I want, I take it as further evidence that I am in fact not good enough for the things that I want. (Which of course perpetuates the cycle.)

But I'm starting to feel like the scales of rejection and acceptance are leaning towards the opposite side. I'm starting to feel like the Stewart Smalley in me is poking his head out saying, "I'm good enough...I'm smart enough...and dog gone it, people like me". Maybe I have become so tired of being alone (no Al Green pun intended) that I am willing to let my fear of rejection slide down a bit. Mind you, it's still there...but maybe I don't really care as much anymore.

So help me out, people. Where does a girl such as myself go to find a suitable guy to date? (And don't say OC because those boys are too a-sexual to be able to handle me.) Someone please guide me in the right direction because I am SO TIRED OF BEING SINGLE!!