I'm moving on

I'm an open book about most things. But there is one part of my life that only a few friends (and not even my mom) know about...my romantic relationships.

Throughout the years, I've not had much luck with the opposite sex. I've had crushes that went nowhere. I've had innocent "flings" that went nowhere. But I haven't really connected on that deep "holy shit!" level of chemistry with anyone except for two boys in particular. We shall call them 18 and 20...the ages I was when they wandered into my life.

Although I never actually dated 18 or 20 and I've had a HORRIBLE time staying in the kind of contact with either of them over the years that I've wanted, I think in the back of my mind I always thought they were my plan B. "Well, if I can't find someone out there that I connect with as much as them, then I can always pray that they are still single and want to give it a shot down the road." I think it has been an odd and admittedly unhealthy way to deal with dating in my 20's and now 30's. Because of 18 and 20, I've been a firm believer in knowing it when you see it. And I haven't seen it since them.

18
Over the years, I've had contact off and on with 18. It's always been more so on my end unless he is apparently bored and feeling up to chatting. We went through a phase where he was VERY into chatting and would spend hours on the phone with me. Then he'd drift away again. I've driven myself absolutely insane over the years watching his life go by in front of me via social networking. Being proud when he is successful, sad when he changes his status to "in a relationship", and then happy when it changes again to "single". (I know...totally uncool, right?)

I've tried over the years to hint to him that he was important to me but it never seemed to work out. Either he was dense or he was avoiding the conversation he knew I wanted to have with him. About a month ago, I was watching an episode of Bones about her regrets of letting fear rule her love life and I broke down. I bawled. It hit SO close to home with 18 that I made a drastic move. I typed an e-mail. YES. An e-mail. (Cue dramatic music.)

But this wasn't just any e-mail. This was a "take a leap of faith and pour your heart out" e-mail. As you can probably guess...this e-mail was addressed to 18. I typed and typed and typed and laid it all out on the line. I reread and edited and then added and took out more. After all, I didn't want to freak him out too much. I just wanted to get it all off my chest.

Those who know me well know that I can tend to be a little on the frank and honest side. Mix that with the past thirteen years of emotionally holding onto 18 and I can see how it might be a little bit on the intense side. But it all had to be said and I couldn't take another day of holding it in. It had to be said that I've always wanted to know what could've been. It had to be said that I subconsciously compare other men to him (which is both a blessing and a curse).

I told a friend that I had just sent the e-mail and her reaction was, "OMG! You've gotta be so nervous for his response!" But I really wasn't. I just felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Like all that "18 baggage" I'd been holding onto had just gotten quite a bit lighter.

I didn't check my e-mail every five minutes to see if he had responded either. I figured when I clicked send that I would be anxious until I got his response but I wasn't. Curious...but not anxious.

After a day or so, I sent him a message on Facebook letting him know that I had sent something to his private e-mail that was important to me and to please take a look at it. A month later, I still have not received a response via e-mail OR Facebook.

I have pulled up his profile twice now with my mouse on the DELETE FRIEND button but I just can't bring myself to do it. 18 has made it pretty obvious that the feeling wasn't mutual by not responding and to be honest, I'm shocked that he has not done so because he always had SUCH strong character. Maybe I was naive to think that time wouldn't change him. Or maybe I spent thirteen years living with memories of a false reality. At this point, I'm doubtful that I'll ever know and over time I think I'll be 100% OK with that. Right now I'm only at about 65%.

20
Now on the other hand, I've got 20. 20 was one of my best guy friends and we danced for roughly a year on the "will we or won't we" line. (We never did, by the way.) As disappointing as that was at times, at the end of the day...he was one of my best friends and I'll love him forever. BUT........he was still always in my subconscious as a plan B.

About a year after I moved to Nashville...which was roughly seven years ago, I lost contact with 20. He moved and for some reason changed his e-mail address. But did that stop me? HELL no. I tried EVERYTHING to find him over those past seven years. I paid $14.95 to a people finding service four different times to get his contact info and I mailed letters to each known address that they gave me. I mailed a letter to the Navy's service member finding department on two separate occasions requesting information on his current whereabouts. I've tried Myspace. I've tried Facebook. I've tried old phone numbers. I've tried everything. And the boy was nowhere to be found.

Now just to clear the air and defuse any suspicion that I am a crazy person, I did not go to these lengths because he was my subconscious plan B. I went to these lengths because I love 20's friendship and I missed it desperately. I'd go to the same lengths if any of my best female friends dropped off the face of the earth as well.

But alas, all that effort was for nothing. The Navy sent me letters saying they would pass on my info, the letters I mailed came back as "not at this address", and the phone numbers didn't work. Every 9 - 12 months I would get a bug up my ass again to find 20 and I would start at least one more attempt to find him again.

Cut to today. For some reason he popped into my head again. So I did my standard Facebook and/or Myspace search. Who knows. He could've gotten with the 21st century and joined the world of social networking, right? But there are a gazillion people with 20's common name so I stopped before I started.

And then it dawned on me. You have his relatives names from the people finding service. Look them up!

So I did. And I was successful.

I e-mailed two of his female relatives and right away one of them wrote me back. I had found 20.

My heart started racing and a lump got in my throat. Seven years of looking and the answer was in front of me the whole time...find his relatives and find him. I was SO excited.

Then this thought snuck into my head...what if he's married? I got a sinking feeling in my stomach and just knew it was going to be the truth. But I tried to ignore my gut and think positively. I could be about to be reunited with my friend AND he could be single. Ya know...plan B.

A few minutes later my gut was proven right. His relative let me know that 20 had gotten married only a few months ago.

A few months ago. A FEW MONTHS AGO. What shitty timing, right? I mean, seriously...I look for the boy for SEVEN YEARS and he gets married a mere few months before I find him? Is this a joke? Really...can someone please tell me what kind of cruel joke this is? Both 18 AND 20 have no longer become my plan B in only one month's time when I have been hanging onto them for roughly the past fifteen YEARS?! This is bullshit!

The knot was and is still in my throat as I type this out but for an entirely different reason now. I've lost the only good thing my subconscious had to cling onto. My relationship security blanket. Whether it was truth or fabrication to comfort me, it was gone. Now I have to face reality. There is no one to "fall back on". I'm out there on my own with almost half of my lifetime's worth of romanticized memories equaling a giant pile of crap.

So where do I go from here? I'll tell you exactly where I go from here.

Phase 1: I'm gonna be sad. Accept it, friends. Because this girl needs to grieve so that she can let go. I can't move forward without letting go. But it's gonna take some time. So just bear with me. Sometimes it's OK to be sad.

Phase 2: I'm gonna be OK. Even though my currently broken heart and tear stained shirt are trying to convince me that all hope is lost...my faith knows that this has all happened for a reason. I know in my gut that God thinks it's time for me to move on. I believe that he needed 18 to not respond and that he needed me to not find 20 until after he was married so that I would be forced to let go. Otherwise, I would've spent a lifetime clinging to "I wonder's" and "what if's".

So the moral of this story, kids, is that sometimes you can ask and hope and want answers but sometimes, no answer IS your answer. Something was trying to tell me over the past decade+ that I needed to let go but I didn't listen. I know it is counter-intuitive to the moral of this story but I'm glad I ignored that dead air not giving me my answers. Because had I not pushed to get my answers, I wouldn't be able to learn my lesson. I wouldn't be able to let go. I wouldn't be able to move on.

I know I don't always practice what I preach but I do know the lesson I'm trying to teach. And you can take that one to the bank.

18 and 20, if you're out there somewhere reading this, I wish you both nothing but the utmost joy and happiness that this life has to offer. You changed me as a person and you showed me that the guy I'm looking for does exist. Sadly, he just isn't either one of you.

In the words of Rascall Flatts, I'm moving on.